writings

some thoughts on some days

1/14: it's pretty cold around this time usually but it's even worse now.

1/16: really tiring day. the fireplace is still running.

1/25: i go to school pretty much every day at this point though the weekends are supposed to be free. well i guess im oversimplifying it because it's not like im at school everyday. it's just i feel like i can't escape it.

3/14: it's pi day. an individual has asked why i haven't updated this page in forever. the short answer is that i'm terrified of writing anything more. there is nothing to be afraid of but what we make of it.

3/17: i'm struck by a feeling of inadequacy. as if i should be harder, better, faster, stronger, smarter, etc. than i am today. of course everyone feels this way, or they accept that they're okay being how they are because they've got other things to do or because something else fulfills them better than the knowledge of their primacy. it speaks a bit to how stupid i am -- there's no way for anyone to be the best at anything or even "good" at anything. there are only relatives.

3/26: it should be a good day today. i mean i don't have to go to school tomorrow which is a plus.

4/3: messed up all my assignments for a couple days as i got back from a trip. so i've just been on that.

4/14: would it surprise any readers that i am a procrastinator? i have three projects due tonight that i honsetly could have done way earlier.

7/26: it's kinda late. it's been a wild summer.

10/17: so it's nearly 1:30 am and i'm tired and person's name fell asleep and honestly why did i sign up for this crap? i just wanna talk to her and im stuck working on history and whatnot

11/15: a couple weeks ago a certain individual was looking at this website and said that it was funny that i'm really different here than in real life. the really funny thing is that i am like this in real life. maybe i have to mask it to seem normal -- even so, that's part of me too.

12/4: so it's my first time listening to charli xcx like ever. what does this mean? i don't understand. i don't understand. i don't understand. tracks: 360 & von dutch. what does this mean? i don't understand. i don't understand. i don't understand. i think i can't handle music that doesn't have guitar in it. (s)(he) says, as (s)(he) does not play guitar.

1/24/25: the new year comes upon us! i wrote several things but am too embarrassed to share them, and i possibly shall never. but the titles are

• lady macbeth and the transmasculine deer: two poems
• penelope yu and the eternal tea party a[n unfinished] short story
  brief excerpt:
  but she claimed a torrent of rain had followed her around like an evil spirit and so everything from her strangely prim and proper ... and all the band stuff, including her goddamn flute, was filled up with a deluge of water.
• tell me how you really feel: a conversation of ... the robot scribe (therapist) and ... the author
  i omit the names for they are kind of personal
  and i wish not to reveal the names of those who have been quite polite with me
• several haikus
  it's actually pretty easy to share one of these because haikus are short and you know you can barely tell if that im a terrible writer from seventeen syllables

  brief eternities
  found amidst rubble wrapped in
  meaningless haiku

  because i'm really the type of person to insult myself

3/16/25: more titles of poems i have written since the last post

• vernal winds (for j.d.)
• a sequence of poems about the body:
  1. i cut my face
  2. i am growing out my hair today
  3. the emptiness on a wednesday night caused by energy drinks sold at the vending machines and my boring eyes
• i remain hesitant but i finished a long-ish poem called "june, a word symphony in four movements." let me know if this excerpt interests you. you may contact me through any number of ways specified on my about page for the entire thing

  bang!
  the terrifying shots rang out in the distance.  
  bang! innumerable 
  bang! bugles screeched.
  this was no time; there was no time
  bang!
  for pomp or circumstances. no coming of age. no funerals. 
  but hear you those scary trumpets bellow. hear that twenty-one gun salute. bang! i hear them still.
  that was all i could do for you. i'm sorry. i too had no ceremonies. 
  i too stand on the precipice of adulthood, now,
  uncertain unaware. and now things fall apart. i once had to lift my gaze to meet you.
  do not remember that i grew up, and will become a woman without you--
  your spirit sticks on the other side, waving at me from across the water bang!